..If you fail at least you'll land among the stars."

Dear Journal,

Thoughts are welling up as per usual it seems. My past is a haunting memory that isn't unclasping from me. All i can think about is who I was and how I really did have a future back then. How the world was at my feet when i was 17. I still can't believe i'm not a teenager anymore, recent events have made me feel 16 again. I look at myself in the mirror, i look old and weathered. The storm hit me at a young age it seems because I look like my mother -- she's in her late 40s.
I look at my friends I can't believe how proud of them I am. I just can't help but smile at how my friends are finally starting to shape their lives and even if they don't notice a future is beginning to show for them. One friend is getting married to her girlfriend soon, one is getting a great grasp of her interests, one is on her way to becoming a doctor, one has been keeping a job and is moving in a positive direction. It's been quite a few years now since we all stopped going to high school and I'm the only one still left behind.

I listen to music to portray my emotions just like I used to when i was younger. Some things never change. Imagining myself on a stage and touching the life of even one kid who thinks their life is over.. yea that wells up in me as my greatest desire in life. So why don't I look at my guitars anymore? Why don't my fingers move they way they once did and my voice well with emotion?
I gave that all up.. for ridiculous reasons. Never let people influence your entire life they say, I didn't pay attention did I? I very immaturely took my life and threw it in a blender when i started using my money on more than just gas money and paying off my car. Buying for social standing, yea that's smart isn't it? Where did it lead me? Into debts, and jeopardizing my future because of said debts. I can be an idiot and blame those to which i spent this money upon but it's myself i blame as i should. I did this to myself, every last bit of it, and I didn't listen, not to a damn thing anyone said, most importantly I didn't listen to what she said.

I look at my old photographs, how ridiculous i was. But even with the ridiculousness I was pretty, I had a glow to me and while I acted like a typical 16 year old undersexed slut I was going to grow out of it and one day be something. The world was laying at my feet all i had to do was take a couple steps and the rush would begin. Well I didn't take those steps, i decided to take a year off, a year i can't get back. Then it became two years that i couldn't get back. Well now it's 3. I can't believe it to this day. It's been 3 years and all i've managed to do is run in circles. The road is lost now, there's some old jagged ones in their place that i'm petrified wont take me anywhere at all.

People used to come to me because i was so mature - so together. I'm certainly not anymore. Looking at the events that have played out this year, how blind was i not to notice what i've done. The video game addiction, the distance, the hobo status i have acquired, the drop out, I'm a mess. Not just any kind of mess a ridiculous mess. I'm trying to clean it up, when i get a job I can begin work on a few things. Helping my aunt is certainly not much of a job at the moment.

Things have always came relatively easily for me and like a spoiled brat I have taken without consequence. I'm like the spoiled rich kid without the wealth. I have several pretty things in my room I NEVER touch. Why do i have these things? Why have I done what I've done to obtain them? For people to like me? They already did like me I was just too blind to notice that. I look at my items and i just can't believe I went through all that trouble for them. That i put my life on repeat to have game consoles that collect dust. Now in a video game i have begun prioritizing and it's now that jealousy becomes an issue. Did i not fathom this before? I used to believe that items would make people like me thats what my spending was for, I never ocne thought of jealousy, I figured people would be happy for me. So when i finally obtain items in a ridiculous virtual world that are what I have actually wanted from day 1 I get hit with what i probably should have 2 years ago.
I guess now I can learn how to deal with what being a spoiled rich kid is actually like. People don't like you - they dislike you. hell sometimes they hate you because of your life being easier than theirs. No one really stressed that to me, i guess it would've been worse if my grandpa didn't die and he had bought me that mustang or porche he always wanted me to have. I just need to learn to grow some balls and take it, life isn't fair and i'm a lucky bastard, time to realize this.

So then if things come to me and my life used to be actually pretty good then why, why did i put myself into such misery for no reason only to wreck my life like this? Why am i fueding with people all of a sudden like i'm still in high school like a child. Why am i pouting, whining, and expecting things to come to me? I'm an adult for fucks sake things aren't like that anymore. I need to live with the fact I can obtain whatever the hell i want because my family is right - i'm brilliant. I can think of ways to get ANYTHING in this world if i just want it enough I will obtain it if I put in the effort and stick to my "masterful" plans.
I have came up with at least 20 ways to get myself out of my jams, I have never once listened to any of them. I figured love would set me free - that's a real load. only you can set yourself free, ad i guess it's time I let the bitch come to surface like she has always threatened but never done. Grab life by the horns and take the wild ride that is the bullshit of reality.

What have I learned from all this?

An image erupts in my mind of me as that little kid on the ice a stick in hand practicing night and day to get the perfect wrist shot into the top and bottom pockets of that hockey net. 3 gold medals around my neck because I strived to be the best and succeeded. My parents in the shadows saying I was too poor to play professionally yet the medals proved i could. A sense of pride took over and i triple deek and wrist shot that puck right into the top right pocket. There are no sirens of a score, just the little kid going "Yes! And the reigning champion is number 22! Captain of the Mighty Ducks!".

Yea that kid would shoot for th gold every time and dam near always got it. So the image of me stares at me. Mor eimages rush through me.

The image of that rocker chick on the stage with legions of kids in the stands guitars erupting that she wrote the tabs for, lyrics of her story unfolding into the ears of these kids the lights go into a display the spotlight is on and she's alone and the world is at her feet. She would notice me give me a smile and sing "Hey girl you know you could be the star you could be the one to change the world. Take a bow stand your ground the world rests for no one so take a chance and hold it tight you'll be the one you always dreamt about tonight." The crowd lightens the sky darkens and the band keeps playing the stage still lightens my soul was moving backwards and the guitars in my room stare at me my chances on the ground with pictures of those who took them on the fronts of magazines.

The image of who i could be glaring back at me - my dreams never really died they stay at my side forever but all i can think now is I'm never going to be that girl, or that boy, or that friend. I'm just going to be the one who buys the cd, watches the game of the century and works the dead end job. My friends they see me and lately we feud. Things change and i guess i never understood. The spotlight is closing on me, the medals were awarded and the feedback of the final song rings. Who was i? Who will i become? Theres ways to change the future and i plan to take them. No matter how far away they move me, no matter how many friends i lose or gain. I spent years of my life, years i can't get back, doing nothing more than mourn a future that I gave up before it began. I spent these years in the darkness fueling a fire that I lit out of rage and idiocy. The immature are not the stupid only the inexperienced. Boy was i ever inexperienced, although, aren't we all at some point? Born a rookie, end a champion. That was my quote, i was 10 years old on a hockey rink and i made that quote while I stared at a net.

I have learned this past year that things change, people change, and it's never what you expect it to be - it's usually better. Things will come up and you will fight with those you thought you never would. you will love those you didn't plan to love. You will go places and see things in your life that are completely unplanned. All year long i was a drone of the poor me's, all along driving my friends insane because they grew up and I only would kid myself. I see my younger friends entering their final staged of high school. A slight pride grows in me as well as fear. Fear they may be an imbecile like me, but I doubt it. Everyone has their own adventure they take through life and their own experiences. I see this younger generation and I have grown closer than i thought to them. I have fought, cried, laughed with them, and each and every one of them has their own strengths and weaknesses that will take them to interesting heights. I know they will end up just fine in the end.

So what for me then journal? I see this jagged road, maybe there's pavement along the way again and my visions will be more than the old me and dream future me staring at me. Life is always hard, and things wont always go smoothly. I just need to learn how to deal with them and what better time to start than now. So yea things will come easily, but also difficult. it's always different for everyone hwo things play out. The pride of my family in my soul and the love of my friends in my heart, no matter where I go or who i become I know this, my heart and soul will never change. As I know no matter where I end up, fate works in funny ways - all of this will one day mean something or will be a prerequisite for better things in the future.

So to you my friendly journal who has listened to me thus far i guess i failed with removing the riddles but that's just how i write I suppose, imagery is my greatest friend. I hope you deciphered it anyway, it would be nice to be listened to by something that's a third party and not going to tell me I'm bipolar or schizophrenic. May this be a beacon and maybe in another year i will have expanded on this; or who knows maybe things will have started laying a future in my path and i reached that pavement after-all. No matter what happens I am who I am and that person is ever changing like the world it's in. if my friends aren't happy for me, or if my friends are happy for me it doesn't matter because I have the memories. I have to look forward, and it's high time I start the car for this road trip on the road of life. So I'll be seeing you journal, who knows maybe one day i will know exactly who i am and my reflection is a mirror image of that person.

Good day journal, and good life. <3